L-O-V-E in Graduate School

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lorae (lorae.the.pa) and I have teamed up to talk about long distance relationships, break-ups, and dating in graduate school and the true meaning of Valentine’s Day!

Breanne Wiekamp @lifewithme_pabre

Long Distance Relationships in Gradute School  

Load up on the chocolate and wine, and pull out your favorite Rom-Com, because today is the day of L-O-V-E. Most people look at Valentine's Day as the "reminder that I am single day" or "thank goodness I am in a relationship day". I definitely used to have this mind set, but when we truly think about it, what is the true meaning of Valentine’s Day? LOVE. 

I would not be sitting in PA school today if it were not for all the people I love: God, family, friends, animals (yes, I am talking about my cat), and significant others. Their love has guided me in my journey, pushed me forward through the toughest times, and has made me believe in who I am. However, making all these people you love a priority can be TOUGH in graduate school. You are overloaded with studying, don’t get to see them as often, and time just seems to slip through your hands.  

I was in a relationship for 3 ½ years before starting PA school. We meet in undergrad, were both athletes, both science majors, and had similar friend groups. We were with each other all of the time and absolutely loved being around each other. Then, PA school hit. I made the move from Seattle, WA à Charleston, WV. A woppin’ 2,528 miles away from one another. My first year of PA school, we saw each other ~35 days out of 365 days in a year. Over a year later, we are still together and surviving cross-country long distance and a three-hour time change.

The first few months of long distance were the worst. I was really busy with PA school and he was studying for the MCAT. Our schedules were not lining up, I was getting frustrated, communication was not at its best, and things got hard. However, we pushed through and I am so happy we did. So much growth has come through experiencing this journey together, and I can easily say that our relationship is the strongest that it has ever been and I love him more than ever. I get many messages asking how I have handled being in a long-distance relationship while in graduate school and how we make it work. Every relationship is different, but here are a few things that guided us:

·       Have patience with one another. There is going to be times when things don’t work out as planned and schedules get changed. It is important to be patient with one another through these moments or else we will constantly feel disappointed.

·       Make time for one another. This can be a quick text, simple phone call before going to bed, or a facetime date night. Either way, show the other person that you are thinking about them and they are important to you. My boyfriend and I will try to have “movie nights” where we facetime and watch our favorite Netflix show or movie. This doesn’t always work out, but we try to always call each other before bed and say goodnight and I love you.

·       Listen to one another and communicate. One of the hardest parts of a long-distance relationship is not being able to be physically present with one another. We love to confide in our significant others and it is important to be present when we communicate with one. Be open about expressing your frustrations, the great things that happened that day, or the difficult things that occurred. Acknowledge your partner and be as present as you can without physically being there.

·       Trust one another. Especially when it comes to long distance, trust is HUGE. You are not able to see each other all the time and your significant another is likely around new people, going to the bars, and spending time with the opposite sex. It is important to have trust and faith in your relationship and not question each other’s moves all the time.  

·       HAVE FUN! Get creative. Amazon, UberEats, and many other resources have made it easy to surprise one another. Send your significant other a treat, order dinner for date night, or buy them a coffee during a long day…have fun with surprising one another. I love when my boyfriend does this. He will order Starbucks for me when he knows I have a long night of studying ahead or send me flowers after I have had a tough week. It shows me that he is thinking about me and cares.

·       Enjoy your time together. When you finally get to see each other, soak in those moments and truly enjoy one another and the company. I think I have cried every single time that I have left my boyfriend to go back to school, but the moments we have together make it so worth it.

These tips don’t only have to apply to significant others, but can apply to all of your loved ones. LOVE is important in surviving. Graduate school is a great test to your relationship. It makes you think about A LOT. Sometimes, it helps you realize that this person may not be your forever, and THAT’S OKAY. Lorae talks about her experiencing a break up in PA school below, and I would say she is still a pretty amazing human being, and she has a new man!

Lorae Schafer @lorae.the.pa

Maintaining A Relationship During the Hardest Years of Your Life

If you haven’t heard, graduate school is hard. And it doesn’t matter what you’re going to school for – PA school (like me), medical school, OT school, SLP school, pharmacy school, law school, getting your doctorate…the list goes on.

It’s hard for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, graduate school requires you to sacrifice a great deal of your time and effort. It leaves little spare time, especially time to give to loved ones. When you do have spare time, you can feel physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. This manifests in the temptation to skip out on the gym or zone out and watch television instead of, say, talk about your day with a loved one. This is normal when you’re giving your all to your education.

This month of February – this month of love – we celebrate our loved ones. Our spouses, significant others, families, children, parents, best friends…everyone in our lives is affected by our career in medicine at some point. Maybe we have to give up a date night or can’t make it home for the holidays. Or maybe we had a bad day, got a little irritated, and took it out on our best friend. Hell, at some point you’ve probably even skipped out on walking the dog because you’re so exhausted! So this month, we celebrate everyone in our lives who sticks out this journey with us. You guys are troopers.

Valentine’s Day holds a special place in our hearts for our spouses, fiancés, and significant others. And I receive countless messages about whether or not it’s possible to maintain these relationships in PA school.

Here’s my answer: it depends. I wholeheartedly wish I could say “YES!” without any hesitation, especially because I consider myself an optimistic person. The truth is, your ability to maintain a healthy and happy relationship is influenced by so many factors that there’s no way to know for sure. Your level of commitment, your partner’s level of commitment, distance from each other, your ability to communicate, how long you’ve been together already/your level of stability, your partner’s flexibility and understanding – no one has a crystal ball, but those areas (and many more) are major determinants of your future success. Being strong in each of them will likely lead to a happy outcome.

That being said, there’s still no perfect algorithm, and everyone will inevitably face challenges every now and then. I can attest to that. I went to PA school while in a long-term (3.5 year) relationship with no intention of that changing. Yet, a few months later, we decided to break things off. Sad, right? I underestimated how hard it would be to live across the country from each other. Being three time zones away was hard to navigate, on top of the fact that both of us had busy schedules.

I ended up juggling the emotional turmoil of a breakup with the intense curriculum of my program, which continued on despite my desperate need for a mental break. I felt like the world I knew – and my best friend – had suddenly disappeared. I guess it’s because they had. This made the hardest year of my life even harder.

After I made my breakup public, I received lots of messages asking about how I dealt with it. Either people were curious or were going through something similar. To be honest, I don’t think I handled it well. I remember crawling into bed that night, sobbing, and my roommates laid down and joined me. When I woke up the next day, I continued on as if nothing had happened. In my mind, I didn’t have time to let it affect me, so I pushed all my feelings away. All those feelings of emptiness started bubbling up again when school slowed down a month later. By that time, the people around me had moved on and sort of forgotten about what happened. I was acting fine up until that time, too. Unfortunately, it left me feeling very isolated and disheartened about what my future had to offer. It definitely took a toll on the amount of motivation I had to keep pushing on.

I hope that no one else goes through a breakup during graduate school, and that you emerge with triumph like the power couple that you are. For many, it works out well! Several of my classmates are married or in long-term/long-distance relationships.

I may not be an expert, but here are some things that can help:

• Make time for date night. Shut off the schoolwork and the cell phones. Focus on your partner and let them focus on you, too.
• Find ways to incorporate them into your productivity. Make a study guide and have them quiz you on it, in person or over FaceTime or Skype.
• Acknowledge the times you are exhausted, irritated, upset, angry, busy, overwhelmed, etc. Open communication and honesty can avoid a lot of resentfulness and confusion. It sounds so simple, but it helps your partner understand where your head is at. Wouldn’t it be great if we were all mind readers?
• Show your effort/maintain spontaneity in the relationship with an occasional surprise or gift. Whether it’s flowers for the ladies, a surprise Chipotle delivery, or a note in the mail, it’s important to show your partner that you’re thinking of them.
• For me, I enjoyed keeping all-day-long texting to a minimum. While doing distance, I’d rather save the conversation for a good phone call at the end of the day. It’s more meaningful than a play-by-play.
• Give your partner a copy of your schedule. It minimizes the amount of questions they’ll have regarding your whereabouts and stress level (make sure you put quiz/exam dates on there!).
• If you’re long distance, have an “end” date to the distance. There’s nothing that kills a relationship quicker than not knowing how long you’re going to be apart.

I’ll be honest. I failed at some of these things. I failed at a lot of them. Maybe that’s why my relationship didn’t last – but I’ll never know for sure. It’s hard when you go through a breakup feeling like a failure. At the end of the day, I know that the reason we broke things off was multifactorial and a little bit out of our control. Thankfully, we’re still friends because we were able to end it smoothly, and I want nothing but the best for him. I just want to share this information with you and with the world because it’s important, and sadly it’s bound to happen to someone else out there, too. You’re not alone. If you follow me on Instagram (@lorae.the.pa), definitely check out my highlight titled “Hardships” for tips on enduring a breakup and more.

Celebrating our loved ones is so critical to maintaining happy relationships.  If you take anything from this, it’s this: if you (and your partner) want your relationship to work, and you make it a priority, it will work. That’s really all it comes down to. Love is a powerful thing, and I hope you feel surrounded in it this Valentine’s day.